There is something quietly exhausting about doing everything you have been told should help and still finding yourself awake in the dark, wondering why it is not working.
You may have adjusted wake windows, refined the bedtime routine, shortened naps, lengthened naps, reduced night feeds, introduced white noise, dimmed the lights earlier, and tried to stay calm and consistent through it all. On paper, everything suggests sleep should be improving. Yet bedtime still feels tense, nights remain broken, or your child seems to protest more rather than less.
When sleep advice doesn’t work, it is very easy to assume you must be missing something. Many parents question their consistency, their approach, or even their instincts.
But very often, it is not about effort. It is about fit.
Much of the sleep advice online is written for patterns that work for many children, based on averages and typical responses. That can be helpful as a starting point. The difficulty is that children are not averages. They are individuals with different temperaments, sensory profiles, developmental rhythms and family circumstances. What helps one child settle easily can feel unsettling for another.
Why sleep advice doesn’t work for every child
When sleep advice doesn’t work, it can be helpful to widen the lens. Rather than asking what you have done wrong, it can be gentler and more useful to ask what the advice may not have accounted for.
Sometimes the missing piece is regulation, sometimes it is temperament, sometimes it is development, and sometimes it is simply the reality of family life.
Temperament differences
Some children are naturally adaptable. They move between activities with flexibility and recover quickly from small upsets. Other children feel transitions more deeply. They may take longer to switch off, and they may need more reassurance when something changes.
If your child is intense, cautious, highly aware, or easily overstimulated, a sleep approach designed for a more easy going temperament can feel abrupt. This does not mean the advice is wrong. It may simply not suit your child.
Neurodiversity and sleep
For some children, including those who are neurodivergent or who experience the world more intensely, sleep can be shaped by sensory processing differences and a higher need for predictability.
Sounds that adults filter out might feel loud. Light may feel brighter. Clothing seams, bedding textures, room temperature and bedtime transitions can all feel bigger. In these situations, approaches that rely on short term frustration tolerance can be difficult to sustain, because the child’s nervous system may not settle with that kind of change.
Often, what supports neurodiversity and sleep is steadiness. Predictability. Gradual transitions. A sense of felt safety, especially around separation.
Sensory needs
Even without a formal neurodivergent profile, many children have strong sensory preferences. Some children are sensory seeking and need pressure, closeness or movement to regulate. Others are sensory avoidant and struggle with noise, touch, or stimulation close to bedtime.
If sleep advice ignores your child’s sensory needs, it can end up addressing behaviour while missing what the body is communicating.
Separation anxiety and attachment phases
There are normal developmental windows when children need more proximity. Sleep advice often assumes that reducing parental presence always leads to better sleep. During peak separation anxiety, that can backfire.
Many parents notice increased bedtime clinginess and more frequent night waking around 8–10 months, around 18 months, and again between 2 and 3 years. These phases do not necessarily mean you need to overhaul everything. Sometimes they simply require a steadier bridge through a stage.
Developmental leaps
When children learn to crawl, walk, talk, imagine, or process new emotions, sleep can change. Their brains are busy. They may wake more, take longer to wind down, or seem more restless at night.
This is one reason “regressions” can be so confusing. It may not be a failure. It may be development.
Family setup and real life constraints
Some sleep advice assumes a calm, consistent evening with predictable timing and shared caregiving.
In reality, families may be juggling shift work, multiple children, small spaces, nursery runs, feeding needs, or a partner working away. Advice that looks good on paper might not be sustainable in real life, and sustainability matters just as much as technique.
Is it a sleep skill issue or a regulation issue?
A lot of baby sleep advice and toddler sleep advice focuses on skills, such as independent settling. Skills do matter. But sometimes what looks like a skill issue is actually a regulation issue.
Children fall asleep most easily when their nervous systems feel settled and safe. If their bodies are holding tension, processing big feelings, or feeling unsure about separation, switching off can be harder.
You might notice this if your child escalates when left, cries more intensely instead of gradually softening, or suddenly needs more support after coping well before.
In those moments, it can help to focus on safety first, rather than pushing independence harder. Often, a calmer wind down, a little more connection before separation, or a more gradual reduction of support makes independence easier later.
When sleep advice isn’t working, consider physical comfort too
If sleep has changed suddenly, or if night waking feels persistent and different, it is reasonable to consider whether something physical may be contributing.
Sometimes sleep is affected by reflux, constipation, eczema discomfort, teething pain, recurring ear infections, or iron levels. Some children also snore loudly or seem restless in ways that warrant a conversation with a professional.
Checking physical contributors is not overreacting. It is careful parenting, and it can prevent you from trying behavioural strategies when the body is the real issue.
Your capacity matters more than the internet admits
There is a part of sleep advice that is rarely said out loud. Many approaches assume a certain level of adult capacity.
If you are exhausted, parenting multiple children, feeling anxious, recovering postpartum, or carrying the mental load largely alone, the “best” sleep plan is not the strictest one. It is the one you can hold steadily.
A sustainable approach protects the parent as well as the child. If an approach is increasing stress, it may not be the right fit right now.
Sleep progress is rarely linear
Sleep tends to move in waves. Illness disrupts patterns. Travel unsettles rhythms. Developmental leaps create temporary shifts. Growth spurts increase hunger.
When sleep advice doesn’t work in a particular week, it does not mean you are back at the beginning. It often means something has changed, and your child is adapting.
A gentler reframe when sleep advice doesn’t work
Perhaps the most helpful permission is this. You are allowed to adapt advice.
You are allowed to pause a plan that does not feel right. You are allowed to increase reassurance when your child needs it. You are allowed to reduce support when they show readiness. You are allowed to trust your instinct.
Sleep is not a performance measure of parenting. It is one part of an evolving relationship between a growing child and the adults who care for them.
If sleep advice doesn’t work for your child, it may simply be an invitation to look more closely at who your child is, rather than trying harder at a one size fits all plan.
How I can support you
If you would like support that considers regulation, temperament, health, neurodiversity and family life together, you are always welcome inside The Nest. If you prefer tailored, one to one guidance, you can book a session and we can look at your child properly, gently and in context.
You do not have to carry the questions alone.
FAQs
Why is sleep advice not working for my baby or toddler?
Sleep advice may not work if it does not match your child’s temperament, sensory needs, developmental stage, or regulation needs. Sometimes physical discomfort or family capacity also plays a role.
Can neurodiversity affect sleep?
Yes. Neurodivergent children may experience sensory input and transitions differently, which can make bedtime and night waking more complex. Predictability, gradual change and felt safety often help.
How do I know if it is a regulation issue?
If your child escalates when left, seems frantic rather than resistant, or suddenly needs more reassurance after previously coping, regulation may be a bigger factor than sleep skills.
Should I rule out medical issues if sleep has changed suddenly?
If sleep shifts are sudden or persistent, it can be wise to consider reflux, constipation, eczema, ear infections, teething pain, iron levels, or breathing concerns such as snoring.
Is it bad to stay with my child while they fall asleep?
Not necessarily. Some children regulate through proximity. Support can be a bridge rather than a habit, especially during developmental phases or periods of heightened anxiety.
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